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I love the concept of a designer. It’s an attractive proposition; that thousands of years ago a universal-architect sculpted us, engineering masterpieces, machines too perfect and beautifully intricate to have ever come about by chance.

But I don’t subscribe to this theory. And here is for why:

Snot.

The common claim is that God (the flawless, all-knowing, all-powerful deity) created human beings in His image.

But we, and for the sake of argument He, are not flawless. Quite the opposite. We’re incredible and miraculous, yes, but as the result of intelligent design we are not only highly flawed, but astoundingly un-intelligently designed.

So, to the aforementioned snot.

To live, we require our lungs to be filled with Oxygen (although Nitrogen makes up 78% of the atmosphere, so would surely be the more logical choice, no?). This Oxygen gains access to our lungs via our mouth and nose. Cool.

Except, when we get ill, our airways become inflamed and clogged with mucus, severely restricting the amount of air we can breathe in. God, in all his infinite wisdom, has decided that part of his ‘intelligent design’ will ensure that we slowly suffocate when we catch a cold. It’s like building an air con system with vents full of jam.

So…why did he even create viruses in the first place? And why make humans susceptible to them?. Imagine if, whilst assembling the Pyramids, the Pharaohs had also commissioned a giant autonomous robot, whose sole function was to destroy huge piles of sand and stone. It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?

And what about toothache? Teeth chew food. So why compose teeth out of a material both worn and rotted by the sugars and acids present in all forms of sustenance?

Why do we need sleep, and mental rest? The brain is the most complex thing we know of in the universe…so why spend all that time making it, yet executing it in such a way that renders us immobile for 1/3rd of the day when we could ideally be perpetually awake and productive?

Dandruff’s a pain, too. You’ve gone through the trouble of fabricating a scalp for me…but WAIT! It’s going to crumble into a billion pieces and fall all over my shit! Brilliant!

Why do our bodies wither? Why do we age? Why make us die, God? Apple products last a good few years, and they aren’t even built by the SUPREME MASTERMIND OF THE UNIVERSE (depending on who you believe).  Do us a favour, God; when you release the next generation of humans, keep them young, healthy and in their prime.

Cancer. Why, after outlining the technical marvel of cell-replication, allow it to malfunction so readily?

Stomach. Fill it too much, get fat. Eat uncooked meat, get poisoned. And why restrict us to only eating certain things? If our carbon stores are low, why can’t we eat rocks, trees or council estates?

Why construct us to rely on energy conversion at all? Why not make us eternally sustainable without the need for pumping ourselves full of grub? Why can’t we run on air or sunlight? Why must we murder cute, delicious animals? Humans love animals. We are kind to them, and cherish them. But they must die for our own nourishment.

Farts are genius though, I grant you that.

And what if I need a wee during sex? I only have one outlet! Why not rig up a blow-hole style set-up for the emergency banishment of superfluous fluids?

And why dish out super-powers to the animals? Surely humans, as mirror-images of the pinnacle of any existing entity (that’s you, Lord), deserve these perks too?

Fish can breathe underwater, why can’t we?

Bats and sharks have sonar, why don’t we?

Why can’t we fly?

Cats can survive a tumble from a seventh-storey window, so why can’t we?

Pigeons, the disease-ridden feather-bags, can see 25,000 frames a second, why can’t we?

Bees can see UV light, why can’t we?

Dogs can pick up a trace scent under 100-tonnes of manure, why can’t we?

Salamanders’ limbs re-grow, why don’t ours?

Why give all humans (made in His image, remember) different skin-colours and languages that serve to breed ignorance and hatred?

Even the Sun can kill you. And that was one of the very first things God created, so he managed to shoot himself in the foot with the very starting pistol that, for the human race, he had not yet fired (how’s that for a metaphor, mofos?).

It’s almost as if life is a random succession of change and improvement, a grand game of trial and error where continuation of a species relies on its ability to adapt to its surroundings, a process whereby mistakes happen, and imperfections are abundant. I simply cannot imagine Leonardo Da Vinci revealing the Mona Lisa with coffee-rings on the canvas.

So, Earthlings, I put it to you that not only is this ‘supreme’ deity outstandingly flawed, he’s also an idiot.

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