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Imagine an episode of House MD, but set in Disneyland.

Whilst snooping around the Indiana Jones ride after closing, Cuddy scolded me about ruining the illusion. I proceeded to eat a steak in the gallery overlooking some secret tunnels.

Then I needed a wee in a big stately house. The gents was very crowded, forcing me to use the urinal next to an old lady who looked at me, held her hands in a bowl, and said: “I’ll do it, you collect”.

Naturally, I was then in WH Smiths. I couldn’t escape because someone had placed the DVD rack in front of the exit. In case you’re interested, upon the rack were 2 free copies of The Inbetweeners Movie, plus Sophie Ellis-Bextor Live.

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